Come my lady, come come my lady.

I feel like I should bring you into a hug and repeat “it’s not your fault,” just like the ending of Good Will Hunting. It’s not your fault. I mean, sometimes it’s your guys’ fault. But, I know first hand that it takes a lot to make a woman come. That wasn’t a pun. We have to be both psychologically and physiologically ready to reach kingdom come. (That was a pun—keep up). It’s hard work out there even for the gods and goddesses of the bedroom, and what works for your partner probably seems like a mystery. Well, I’m going to help you out by telling you what doesn’t work. You know that one Norah Jones song that sounds like how drinking wine feels? I know, they all do. But this one has the lyric, “don’t know why I didn’t come”? I know why. I always know why I didn’t come. Here are the reasons:

  1. You kept asking me if I was about to come.

  2. The global rise of the far right is freaking me out.

  3. I was making come-adjacent sounds and you thought I came, so you stopped doing what you were doing and now I’m for sure not coming.

  4. You said penis. Don’t say penis. Adults having sex don’t say penis.

  5. I remembered how you said you wouldn’t get married if your wife didn’t take your last name and I got sad.

  6. I thought about how you sound like the penguin from Toy Story—Wheezy—during the second half of sex and now I can’t stop internally laughing.

  7. You cut peppers tonight didn’t you? You touched habanero at some point in the evening. I can feel it. Stop. Wait, no it’s fine. Keep going. WAIT. NO. STOP. IT BURNS.

  8. I said to the left. To the left. Please move your tongue a few millimeters to the left.

  9. I thought about the fact that Guy Fieri has a dick. I didn’t mean to think that.

  10. I noticed what looks like a Gatorade bottle of pee in your room.

  11. You wanted to let the dog be in the room. I’m not coming in front of a dog. No one should have to see humans have sex, let alone another species.

  12. You were silent. Eerily silent. Like when you’re the first to wake up on a snow day silent.

  13. The cock ring was a bad idea. I’m not laughing. I’m just… Okay, I’m laughing. It looks like your dick is getting engaged.

  14. You kept asking me “why?” during dirty talk. Look I said I liked sucking your dick. Don’t make me question myself.

  15. My body got too hot.

  16. My body got too cold.

  17. That’s not the clit.

  18. Still not the clit.

  19. What do you think the clit is? It’s higher.

  20. I thought about how sex looks like two trash bags full of mashed potatoes running full speed into each other repeatedly. Oh my god.

  21. I was trying to read the titles of the books on your shelf while you were fucking me from behind and I saw that you own I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. I shouldn’t be here and I know that and I’m definitely not going to validate your lifestyle by coming for you.

  22. You didn’t deserve it.

  23. Nope. Still not the clit.



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About The Author

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Joseph Doyle is an active entrepreneur and life coach with a multi million property portfolio and advertising and marketing agency boosting large international brands. Contact Joseph at www.digilab.ie