15 Crazy Ideas that Would Make Our World Perfect JD April 29, 2015 men health 103 1. Retire phone extensions just like ballplayer numbers. They did it for Ruth, Mantle, Mays. Why not guys like us? Pete, ext. 236–we salute you! 2. Hot towels available everywhere. Buying a coffee, waiting for the elevator, standing in line at the IRS? Here's your hot towel, sir. 3. Something that can set snow on fire. No more shovels or snowblowers. Just light a match and–poof!–driveway's clear. 4. “All-singles” airline flights. Every possible air-travel complaint will disappear. Bad meal? Who's eating? Too crowded? Not really. Three-hour delay? We'll manage. The best travel innovation since wheels on a suitcase. 5. More rollover options. Cell phone minutes and vacation days are fine. But let us bank other important stuff. Politeness? “I let you cut in yesterday. Today you wait.” Crunches? “Did 'em for a month. I'm taking the next 6 off.” 6. Presidential debates moderated by Dennis Franz as Sipowicz. “You're lying about your tax plan, Senator. I can feel it coming off you. Now you start telling the truth or I'll beat your balls until I get a migraine!” 7. A 10 percent discount when self-checking out at the grocery store. C'mon, throw us this bone if we're making less work for the people who actually get paid to be there. 8. Built-in bottle openers on cardboard six-pack containers. It works for crayon boxes with the sharpener. No more broken glass or broken teeth. No more searching for a fence. 9. Tollbooths that double as can redemption centers. Empties are worth a nickel. Now, you can pay and recycle. 10. Countdown clocks on movie screens. Do I have time? . . . Okay, I'll go. Damn, I can never tell if there'll be seven previews or two. If only I knew how much time I had. If only . . . 11. The Shaving Shack. Just like a car wash: Lie down and cruise through the steam, warm lather, and soothing emollient–of course finishing off with a hot towel–and come out feeling like a baby's tuhchuhs. 12. Favorite-song detectors on car radios. If Amazon knows what we like to read, the radio should know that “Badlands” must always be heard. 13. A court mandate that all waitresses call you “honey.” The ultimate: “Here's your hot towel, honey.” 14. The remnants of the Who uniting with the surviving Beatles. Pete and Roger need a bassist and drummer. Paul and Ringo need a guitarist and some edge. Who wouldn't drop $150 to see the Whootles and watch Townshend destroy an amp as McCartney tries to sing “Penny Lane”? 15. Sliding boards between office floors. A 3-second way to make anyone forget about the stupid boss, the useless meeting, or how in the world Pete got his extension retired and Dave still hasn't, even though he was as talented as Pete. It's a bunch of crap. Where's the freakin' slide? . . . Ah. All better.